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Three years ago, my first astrologer told me that part of my work out in the world meant expressing my own story. Back then, I knew I was not ready for that, yet had the strong inkling that this was something I needed to move through if I wanted to do the work I really wanted to in the world, however ‘the work’ would look. In the past two years, as I slowly approached my desire to create and share publicly again, I have reckoned with what it means to ‘be seen’, to contend with the fear of visibility, of what it means for others to turn away from me. I have met shame at many corners as I went from rarely sharing any words on social media in the last ten years, to un-muting my voice and spilling words beyond the pages of my diary. (gotta mention there were also flowers along the way) This fear of ‘being seen’, touches into early developmental trauma we may hold. Developmental trauma is emotional trauma is relational trauma, and it’s the stuff that gets stirred up when we enter the relational field, be it with one person, a group, or an indeterminate mass of humans we call ‘the public’ in the vast sphere of the internet. When more of me began to thaw from freeze, I began to palpably notice the shape of shame in my body. At first, I could not even name this. All I could feel was that I wanted to hide, an amorphous ick I wanted to be rid of. Sometimes there is no thought attached, maybe just a cringe, a contraction, a slight constriction. Your mind searches for meaning. You cannot place the emotion. I think of how good I am at hiding, of pretending, of fronting. Skills mastered over a lifetime. The level of containment needed to protect my insides from spilling, messes I believed no one wanted to help mop up. Whenever I feel my nervous system triggered in this state, she feels very, very young. ☉ When the Sun lights up what is here, it is not always the prettiest of pictures. We think we are scared of the dark, when what we’re really afraid of is what we find when the light illuminates the musty, dusty basement. It’s nearly the end of Leo season, and the sun has been shining bright down under this last week, warming my heart, my face and my toes. In astrology, the Sun is the luminary associated with Leo, and represents a core part of who we are - our conscious awareness, our sovereignty, the ever-present burning fire within us where all else circles around. Connected to the heart, the Sun is the beating heart of us that radiates, leads, illuminates and beams life to the parts of us longing for warmth and light. Sometimes it may feel like your Sun has dimmed to an ember, but it is always present, always glowing. Shame shifts in the light of the Sun. What happens then? When something comes to light, can it ever stay the same? ☉ Shame wants to be seen, to know you will not turn away. Shame wants to be warmed by the Sun, greeted with loving eyes, embraced with grace. When we are overly-identified with the part of us that shames and blames ourselves, it can be hard to meet ourselves with kind curiosity. Working through the body, we get to experience what happens when we feel ourselves being seen and held in connection to another - a fluttering butterfly, that grevillea shrub, the Earth beneath your feet, the Sun as it sets. What would it be like to let the imprint of your felt-sense linger, to map new body memories?One thing I have realised about the warm presence of another is that we can attune in real time to what it is like to be seen by another, without the need to change, fix or heal anything about ourselves. In the midst of a shame story our bodies are used to looping, a loving witness to our experience allows us to soften. We pay attention to the organic shift from hardness to softness. The more I sense into the art of healing, the more I wonder if an unintended side effect is seeing ourselves with a blazing gaze so loving all else melts away. ☉ So here I am, writing you this newsletter from my couch, shame no longer the biggest boss in this house. Even if you turn away, I will not turn away. This is the heart of what we get to explore in 1:1 somatic work together - co-weaving a spacious, generative container where you get to perceive yourself in new ways from your heart, no longer shrouded by shame.
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